How To Make Sure You Mess Up Your Date!

So you’re going out on a date?
Are you a bit out of practice? Feeling anxious?

To ensure you never go out again, or find anyone remotely willing to ever want to marry you, SPAG Magazine presents a collection of some of the best ways to make sure that you mess up your date!

How to Mess Up Your Date Cartoon

For the Men:

  • Go to a restaurant where they serve messy food, such as ribs. That way you can show your date how little you care about society’s restrictive conventions such as cleanliness and good manners, by ensuring that you spill food down the front of your clothing. You might also like to lick off any sauce you drop onto your shirt. Better yet, wear dirty clothing so it’ll save you having to wash it twice.
  • Take her to a sports bar when there’s a game on, or to a live boxing match. She’s going to have to get used to you being glued to the TV after you get married, so she’d better learn to accept who you are from the beginning.
  • Go to a shooting range. It’s never too soon to show her how manly you are.
  • Take her along for an evening out with your mates. She’ll need to understand how important they are to you.
  • Invite her over to your apartment, and then expect her to cook and clean. She’s a woman after all and that’s what she’ll be doing once you’re married.
  • Take her to an exercise class so you can flex your muscles, and she can appreciate your manly sweat and odour.
  • Wherever you go, make sure you comment about every other woman you see. That way she’ll know what she has to measure up to, to know that she deserves you.

For the Ladies:

  • Take him shopping. At some point he’s got to accept how important shopping is to a girl, and if he hasn’t the stamina for it, than he’s not the man for you.
  • Take him to look at the babies in a hospital. One day he may be the father of your children and you want to know how he feels about kids.
  • At every opportunity, ask him to hold your handbag. In fact, really test him by bringing along your girliest, most glamorous bag. Eventually he’s going to have to overcome his stupid, manly pride anyway.
  • If you’re into extreme sports, take him along to an activity to see whether he’s a cry-baby, and of course don’t date him again if he wets his pants or runs away. If he does run off, phone or text him later and tell him he’s a ‘sissy!’

For First Dates:

  • Take them to meet your parents or your own children (if you’re older.) You might as well get that one over as quickly as possible, and if they survive the encounter they’ll prove they’re worth putting more effort into.
  • Go to a night-club. That way you won’t have to think of something to talk about because of the noise levels and the added bonus is you can show off your incredible dancing skills!
  • Have your meal at a fast-food restaurant. This could work out even better if you have a ‘two for one’ coupon and expect your date to have the exact same meal as you. How wonderful it would be to share the same taste experience, and all for half price! And imagine, it’ll be a special first date that you can tell your grandchildren about.
  • If you know very little about the other person, go to a restaurant because you can spend the entire time trying to fill the awkward silences, and wishing that the uncomfortable night was over. Wouldn’t that be a delightful way to start your relationship?
  • Invite the other person to go camping:
    • you’ll get to see the other person at their worst: dirty, uncomfortable; and bitten by mosquitoes or something even nastier, and
    • you can secretly enjoy yourself by letting the other person worry all weekend that you’ll suddenly turn into a crazed serial killer.
  • If you’re feeling particularly lazy and couldn’t really be bothered putting in the effort of making conversation, go to a movie where you’ll hardly get the chance to talk at all. Then before you know it, the movie will be over and you can go home without having put together more than a dozen sentences.
  • Don’t bother getting dressed up: wear your thongs or your favourite shirt which shows off your delightful beer gut, because this is who you are, so they can take it or leave it.
  • Be as fake as possible because you don’t want them to see the real you:
    • If you’re a man, ensure you open doors for her and treat her with respect and courtesy, so that you can lull her into believing you’re a good bloke. Once you’ve hooked her, you can drop all that garbage;
    • If you’re a woman, let the man choose the meal and lead the conversation, because you don’t want him to think you’re too pushy or domineering;
    • Pretend you are a genuinely caring and considerate person, but show your true colours in the way you treat others, such as the waiter;
  • Expect sex on a first date. In fact, talk about sex as often as possible and share the way you view men/women in relation to sex. You are an incredible lover so they should know they’re in for a remarkable experience.
  • Talk incessantly about yourself, and if your date does manage to get a word in, belittle each one of their comments.
  • Take along your mother … or your invisible friend.
  • Finally, if all else fails: complain, criticize and boast, snort, pick your nose, and scratch your crotch and if by the end of the evening your date is still there, try to squeeze out a fart or two. If they hang around after that, they’re a keeper!

* * * * * * * *

Seriously though…My Dates Never Work Out! What Should I Do?

So not every date you’ve ever been on has been wonderful. In fact some of them may have been excruciatingly painful, awkward or embarrassing, but don’t give up. It’s kind of like eating something that doesn’t agree with you – after it’s over, you’ll feel better, and realise that not everything you eat is going to make you feel ill!

And consider also that if you’re last date was seriously awful, then the next one surely has got to be an improvement.

Where Should We REALLY Go On Our Date?

  • Consider a comedy club, as long as the acts aren’t tacky or vulgar. That way you can avoid long awkward silences which both parties will feel that they have to fill. Instead you’ll both have a laugh, and in between sets you’ll have something to share and talk about. And what a positive way to start off your relationship.
  • Ten-pin bowling might sound nerdy and old-fashioned, but it’s a relaxed way to get to know each other without any pressure. You’ll have breaks in between playing to talk so it’s likely to be less awkward. Just keep the boasting about your scoring to a minimum!
  • Attend a jazz show, or a museum, a rock concert, a musical, an art show, or a play. If it’s not something you usually attend, explain that to your date, expressing your desire to try something different. It will make the other person feel special, and show that you are brave enough to grow and try new experiences, which is always the mark of a more mature adult.
  • Or ask the other person what some of their favourite activities are before you go out, so you can organise to attend something you know they’ll definitely enjoy.

Good luck!

________________________________

Bibliography:
“12 Worst Date Ideas” http://likes.com/relationships/12-worst-date-ideas?page=1 Web 02/05/15
Fetters, K. Aleisha “Men’s Health” http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/worst-date-ideas-ever © 2014 Web 02/05/15
Gagnog, Tiffany “Men’s Fitness” http://www.mensfitness.com/women/dating-advice/the-best-and-worst-dates-to-take-her-on?page=1 Web 02/05/15